Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer & My Mother's Death & The Bible


Whew!  It has been a long time since I have posted to my blog!  I think stage IV breast cancer REALLY got in the way.   Then my mother suddenly passed away on May 30th, and that started an additional layer of problems and issues.  My life has always been a bit of a struggle and a challenge.  Upon my mother's death, I learned so much about who I am, why I am, and why I am who I am.  I have gone from being so frustrated being raised by an abusive mother, to feeling sorry for her and who she was and who she became.  I feel blessed that I am a certain type of personality that is so forgiving and so understanding, that I never truly became my mother's daughter.  I can't imagine how she lived her whole life with so much hate, loathing, manipulating, and lies.  Maybe I am who I am because she was who she was.  I really don't know.  I think one of the saddest days I had going through her home, was her bible.  It was a graveyard for a relationship that she had from the age of 14-16 years old.  When she was 16, he was 18 and died tragically in a drunk driving accident in 1958.  My mother use to tell me and others, that her life would be so different if that young man had lived and married her.  My mother's whole life was based on a teenage crush and first love.  Because she lived her whole life believing that, I knew she meant she never would have had me or my brother, she never would have married my father, she may have regretted marrying my step father, and she regretted being with her alcoholic boyfriend for so many years.  Just follow the money train and that is where my mom was.  She did everything for the almighty dollar. I never understood that because that way of life is so distasteful to me.  The saddest part was, reading all these letters from my mother's teenage crush to her.  He would write parts of his letters to her in Russian and she would write parts of her letters to him in French.  I suppose if it all did not end so tragically, it would be cute that they were trying to "hide" parts of their young teenage love.  It quickly became apparent to me that if he already wasn't, he was on his way to being a full blown alcoholic.  Half of those letters talked about drinking, hangovers, and plans to go drinking.  So yes, my mom's life would have been different if Tommy had lived.  She would have married an alcoholic, my brother and I would have never been born, and she would have become an abused woman instead of an abuser.  I am sure she would have had babies, thinking that would have made her marriage and life better.  They would have gone on to become abused children and probably alcoholics themselves, or not, who knows.  I know they would have walked similar paths that my brother and I walked, they just would have been different people than us.  The same reasons would have existed though, maybe just flip flopped a bit. 

So back to my mom's bible, it really made me sad to see it and I kept it.  I kept it because I have stage IV metastatic breast cancer and to know my children will some day have to go through my things, it reminded me of what I want my children to remember about me.  The last thing I want them to find is a sad bible.  My mom always "wanted" us to be religious, however she never took the time out of her busy schedule to make that happen.  We where the family that showed up on Easter and Christmas only.  I think they call them "chreasters".  I am sure my mom didn't know that because she always thought she did the right thing.  I want my children (and grand children) to be sad when I pass away, however I want them to live in the joy of my life and my laughter.  I want them to know how much I love them, and how I loved life and living.  I did a lot of things "wrong" in my life, however I have zero regrets about who I am and how I live. And lastly, I want them to find my "happy" bible.

I bought I creative journaling bible last month to explore God.  I think the crafter in me loved the idea.  The Christian in me, loves it too because I am learning so much about Him.  The human being I am, is understanding so much about God and the way He works.  Getting to know my bible has given me a greater peace regarding my diagnosis.  I am striving to live every day the best way I can and I am at peace that one day the cancer will possibly end my life.  Until that happens, cancer does not control me nor does it own me.  Every day, I do at least one thing that makes me laugh and/or brings me joy.  Some days are harder because the side effects do get to me, however I wake up every morning and smile, just because I woke up.  

I made my own tabs for my bible because I am a crafter.  It was a lot of work because I used the WRMK tab punch to punch out my book titles and because I bought a creative bible, the WRMK tab stickers cover some of the art inside my bible.  So I spent a ton of time coloring the spots where the stickers and tabs covered.  And although it was a lot of work, it was also a lot of fun too.  It gave me the opportunity to learn where all 66 books in the bible are.  Here is a photo of my tabs and coloring:


I am the happiest and feel the most peaceful, I ever had in my whole life right now.  I think a lot of things have happened to collide and make that happen.  I am not sure which of these things made all of that happen, or if it was a little of it all.  For me, it does not matter.  All I know is that I am happy and I am going to spend as much time with my family and friends as I possibly can and I will love every stinking minute of it!

Comments

Bonnie said…
An amazing post. I know life has been cruel at times but I love your positive attitude. You have not only survived some very hard times, you have triumphed.
Sandy Scott said…
Incredible piece of writing cutie!
Bobbkat said…
Kim, I am so happy to hear that you have embraced the words in your Bible! God's Word is my first love in life. It makes me happy! And yesterday I finally actually did some art journaling in a Bible that my husband bought me for that purpose. The art I did is not so much a piece of beautiful artwork, but it certainly expresses something that I feel. I'm a little on the nerdy side and so will my artwork be :)

You have been very transparent in your writing and I believe that it will touch many souls. By guiding them toward the Word of God you are giving an incredible piece of everlasting good advice. God Bless You, Kim. Praying for you, in fact, I have several friends who have cancer right now and when I prayed about that, God reminded me that three separate times with three different battles in the Old Testament, the Israelites were at war with a mortal enemy who was larger and strong than they. God caused confusion in the enemy camp and the warriors of the enemy turned on each other, killing each other instead of God's people. This is my prayer for the cancer, that this enemy will become confused and turn on itself and rid your body of the invader. Blessings to you, Kim.

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